When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I only treason on days ending in y
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Simple
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.