My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice


They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.


[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.


My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.


I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.