My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
You Might Also Like
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Dune (2021)
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something