The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
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If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?