Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.