Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
You Might Also Like
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Social Media and Real life
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
it must be school picture day
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*gets down on one knee*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.