Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!