Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
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Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent