You Might Also Like
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.