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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”
So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: How was your day?
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Don’t make me out nice you.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.