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*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
How do dragons blow out candles?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit