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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
lmfao
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
The best plant holders?
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her