Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I’m about to risk it all
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
*seductively eats two tums*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.