Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Said the murderer.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: