[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
This is enough internet for the day.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.