In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.