Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Attacked by a mop.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Dance like you’re not the father
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?