Attacked by a mop.
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women