A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense