[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
You Might Also Like
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.