2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
A wise man once said nothing.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.