Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
love it when they get my name right
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
(Gaming support cat.)
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”