Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

#MeanwhileinCanada

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

do u think theres a butter planet?

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.