Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!