“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP