Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy