IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.