One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Finally
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends