My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Chicago sounds lovely.