I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
What is going on? 😅
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!