@reallifemommy3

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

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@iamvkhil2

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

@Shariv67

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

@Brianhopecomedy

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

@ManJuggs

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

@karanbirtinna

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@Midgetspar

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.