Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.


Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.


Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.


My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.


I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.


One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.


Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.


When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.