Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?