[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!