Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
new record!
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.