I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance