I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.