I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.