[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it