Grow up never but we old may grow we
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
mom had nothing to worry about
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
wtf management?!
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away