My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic