The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
thanksgiving in nutshell
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter