@RickAaron

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

@awryaditi

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

@CrockettForReal

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

@LizHackett

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

@mzeld

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@hoedeehoe

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

@mommajessiec

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

@Tbone7219

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

@sewmuchgeek

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!