I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.