[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
These work great until they don’t.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*pokes sex life with a stick
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.