I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.