Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
🔦🌙👣
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”