I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.