My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Mistakes were made
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
And bowling should be called pinball
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!