I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.