If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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That’s it.I’m out.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*