ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.