If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Just so funny
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.