I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
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if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.