I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.