I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
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My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.