for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Only a mother’s love …
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.