Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
The Struggle
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.