The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.