@VancityReynolds

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

@fro_vo

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

@wildethingy

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@PetrickSara

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

@1_swarthy_dude

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

@LuvPug

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

@XplodingUnicorn

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

@Gupton68

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!