INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!