The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.