You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Seems a bit forward